{"id":17004,"date":"2023-04-05T11:59:15","date_gmt":"2023-04-05T11:59:15","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/projects.rapidmind.in\/navgati\/?p=17004"},"modified":"2023-04-26T08:00:25","modified_gmt":"2023-04-26T08:00:25","slug":"the-quiet-coach-11","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/projects.rapidmind.in\/navgati\/the-quiet-coach-11\/","title":{"rendered":"The Quiet Coach- 11"},"content":{"rendered":"

Becoming naturally therapeutic<\/h3>\n

Decided to do something different for this week and do a review of this lovely little book (the title of this blog) by Jacquelyn Small. It\u2019s not for therapists alone but for anyone who\u2019s in a position where they\u2019re responding to another in difficulty \u2013 in coaching and even in personal relationships. I loved this blurb by Ram Dass, a Buddhism teacher I admire \u201cthis book beautifully demonstrates the simplicity of true wisdom\u2026the wisdom of the heart\u201d.<\/p>\n

The goal of the book is to outline ten traits that all people in a helping profession would benefit from. We\u2019ll break them down and cover these ten over a couple of posts.<\/p>\n

She introduces these traits by talking about the concept of \u201cworking from the Heart\u201d. This has so much resonance with what we\u2019ve all learnt about the attitude of being a coach. When we are working with others from the heart we are:<\/p>\n

\n
– Living in the truth of the moment with no hidden agendas about what ought to be<\/dd>\n
– Putting aside our own issues for a while to be there for another<\/dd>\n
– Operating from zero expectation about the outcome<\/dd>\n
– Willing to be ourselves completely, paying attention to our whole selves as we interact with the other<\/dd>\n<\/dl>\n

So what are these ten traits? We\u2019ll start with three this time.<\/p>\n

Empathy:<\/h3>\n

We all know the definition – the quality that enables us to perceive another\u2019s experience and then to communicate that perception back to the individual. Here\u2019s an example from the book:<\/p>\n\n\n\n\n
Client<\/td>\n (head down, arms crossed, squeezing her chest in a constricted fashion). I just can\u2019t\u2026(sighs)\u2026can\u2019t seem to take it. They all want me to\u2026.oh, I don\u2019t see how I can.<\/i><\/td>\n<\/tr>\n
Counselor<\/td>\n I hear your pain. It\u2019s as though your family is strangling you\u2026some sort of struggle for breath is what I\u2019m sensing. I see you looking sad and desperate, with your fists clenched\u2026and your breath seems constricted as you talk about it. Am I hearing you correctly?<\/i><\/td>\n<\/tr>\n<\/tbody>\n<\/table>\n

\n<\/p>\n

(note: I\u2019ve used counsellor when the example is directly from the book because that\u2019s the language she uses; substitute it with coach<\/a> and it works just as well).<\/p>\n

Empathy here is when the coach is able to get out of their own head and be fully present with the client. Here the coach has listened to the whole person, within the context of her unique existence rather than listening only to her words. He has integrated what he\u2019s picking up from her non-verbals and shares what he\u2019s sensing in a tentative manner (with a clear question to check out if he has got it right).<\/p>\n

What I find fascinating about empathy is that even when the coach is wrong in what he\/she picks up, as long as there is respect and tentativeness, one of two things will happen:<\/p>\n

    \n
  1. The client will not respond to what the coach has said<\/li>\n
  2. They will appreciate the attempt and go on to explain themselves further.<\/li>\n<\/ol>\n

    What\u2019s important here is the intense involvement \u2013 when we empathise like this, we\u2019re saying \u201cI\u2019m here, I\u2019m fully listening and I\u2019m very interested\u201d.<\/p>\n

    Genuineness<\/h3>\n

    She defines it as the characteristic that allows us to be freely ourselves \u2013 we\u2019re authentic, not playing a role.<\/p>\n

    This can seem really difficult at the beginning of learning to be a coach.<\/p>\n

    Many beginner coaches struggle with the process of coaching because it seems like it\u2019s taking away from authenticity but once you learn to flow through the process you recognize how it is not a barrier. The process is like the bed of a river \u2013 it\u2019s there, it provides structure and solidity. The river moves fluidly over it; and that\u2019s your authentic self as a coach. What a lovely metaphor no? I thought so too \ud83d\ude03.<\/p>\n

    Here\u2019s an example from the book<\/p>\n\n\n\n\n\n\n
    Client<\/td>\n (fighting back tears) I\u2019m just not going to think about this loss any more\u2026it\u2019s just useless to think about it <\/i><\/td>\n<\/tr>\n
    Counselor<\/td>\n(with gentleness) I\u2019m feeling very sad too about what happened to you\u2026and seeing your deep, deep hurt<\/i><\/td>\n<\/tr>\n
    Client<\/td>\n(breaks down and cries)<\/i><\/td>\n<\/tr>\n
    Counselor<\/td>\n quietly shares the moment, responding non-verbally<\/i><\/td>\n<\/tr>\n<\/tbody>\n<\/table>\n

    \n<\/p>\n

    In this case, while the client was pretending to be tough, the counsellor ignored that and moved in as a human being. She responded with her real feelings in the moment in a way that kept the client in touch with his real feelings.<\/p>\n

    Some coaches believe that we should stay in a professional role when working with a client. While maintaining professional boundaries is important (eg in terms of your interactions outside of the coaching relationship), being professional is sometimes misunderstood as staying with the intellectual or the cognitive. A coach operating in this manner may have responded to this client with \u201cI understand you\u2019re sad; what would you like to talk about today\u201d.<\/p>\n

    Warmth<\/h3>\n

    No definition required. I think often of my colleague Deepa, whom many of you have spoken with \u2013 once another colleague was giving her a compliment and said \u201cI can hear the smile in her voice when she\u2019s talking to me on the phone\u201d. Deepa is supremely and naturally good at warmth \u2013 it doesn\u2019t mean being happy all the time but showing clients that we genuinely care about them.<\/p>\n

    Sometimes if a coach has their own injunctions against showing feelings, It can be difficult to them to be nurturing. Sometimes it can be seen as adopting a \u201cprofessional\u201d attitude of emotional non-involvement.<\/p>\n

    We could instead intellectualise \u201cIt\u2019s natural that you\u2019d feel anxious about losing your job. Can you tell me how long you\u2019ve felt this way?\u201d It can also take the form of rescuing \u201cI know you\u2019re feeling sad but let\u2019s look on the bright side \u2013 what else in going well with your life?\u201d<\/p>\n

    Self-disclosure? I\u2019ve struggled with this trait quite a bit but have got better with practise. For example, I knew that one of my clients had a really important confrontation at work and I sent her a picture of my new potted plants (she\u2019s an indoor plant enthusiast too) saying \u201cmy plants and I wish you the best for your meeting\u201d.<\/p>\n

    I found this piece of advice useful \u2013 \u201cif you are naturally reserved and find displaying warmth difficult to do, do not feel you must force yourself to develop the natural ability to express warmth, It is far better to be yourself and continue developing genuineness with your clients. If you do this and learn to self-disclose a little, you will find that an appropriate time you can share with your clients your desire to display more affection with them while telling them it is not natural to you.\u201d<\/i> Or you can send pictures of plants.<\/p>\n

    More about the other seven traits soon (and yay, I don\u2019t have to think of topics for a couple of weeks!).<\/p>\n

    For more information about our ICF accredited coach training programs, please click here \u2013 http:\/\/projects.rapidmind.in\/navgati\/icf-accredited-coach-training\/<\/a>.
    \nCheck out     http:\/\/projects.rapidmind.in\/navgati\/executive-coaching\/<\/a> for more information about the leadership coaching we offer.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

    Becoming naturally therapeutic Decided to do something different for this week and do a review of this lovely little book (the title of this blog) by Jacquelyn Small. It\u2019s not for therapists alone but for anyone who\u2019s in a position where they\u2019re responding to another in difficulty \u2013 in coaching and even in personal relationships. […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":17438,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[28,9],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-17004","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-all","category-coaching"],"yoast_head":"\nCoaching skills | ICF coach training | Navgati<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"A weekly blog focusing on coaching skills and various aspects of ICF coach training along with tips and techniques to keep our collective learning as coaches ongoing\" \/>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link rel=\"canonical\" href=\"https:\/\/projects.rapidmind.in\/navgati\/the-quiet-coach-11\/\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:locale\" content=\"en_US\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:type\" content=\"article\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:title\" 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