{"id":17177,"date":"2023-04-18T06:18:15","date_gmt":"2023-04-18T06:18:15","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/projects.rapidmind.in\/navgati\/?p=17177"},"modified":"2023-04-26T07:59:22","modified_gmt":"2023-04-26T07:59:22","slug":"the-quiet-coach-12","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/projects.rapidmind.in\/navgati\/the-quiet-coach-12\/","title":{"rendered":"The Quiet Coach – 12"},"content":{"rendered":"

Continuing to be naturally therapeutic<\/h3>\n

If you\u2019ve missed the first part of this post, first please take a look here http:\/\/projects.rapidmind.in\/navgati\/the-quiet-coach-11\/<\/a> and then hurry back to this post.<\/p>\n

Two more traits that Jacquelyn Small describes in her lovely book \u201cBecoming naturally therapeutic\u201d are respect and concreteness.<\/p>\n

Respect<\/h3>\n

Consider this coaching exchange<\/p>\n\n\n\n\n\n\n
Client<\/td>\n I feel like I\u2019m stagnating in my career; I just want to move on and start something new. But I can\u2019t. My manager put in a lot of effort to get me this promotion and if I leave, I\u2019ll be letting her down.<\/p>\n

I\u2019ve been thinking about this for months \u2013 the whole thing has got me so stuck. What do you think I should do\u2026should I quit?\n <\/td>\n<\/tr>\n

Coach<\/td>\n(concerned tone) It sounds like you\u2019re really torn in two about this decision. Feels like there\u2019s a part of you that needs to stay but another part that wants to get out for good.<\/td>\n<\/tr>\n
Client<\/td>\nYes!<\/td>\n<\/tr>\n
Coach<\/td>\nCould you go on and talk a little bit about the part of you that wants to get out? What does that part of you want?<\/td>\n<\/tr>\n<\/tbody>\n<\/table>\n

What\u2019s happening here? The coach has not responded to the request to give the client an answer; and in doing so is helping the client challenge the idea that he\u2019s powerless to decide for himself.<\/p>\n

Notice the careful choice of words on the coach\u2019s part. The client begins by saying \u201cI can\u2019t\u201d and the \u201cwhole thing has got me so stuck\u201d \u2013 is communicating that the power lies elsewhere and that he is helpless.<\/p>\n

Now, all of our work as coaches hinges on the adoption of an attitude on which all subsequent technique must rest. Which is that all of us need to assume responsibility for the situation that we are in.<\/p>\n

So when the coach, in her paraphrasing, says \u201ca part of you needs to stay and another wants to get out\u201d, it isn\u2019t just fancy verbal footwork. It is communicating back to the client the reality that he is creating these feelings and that he owns them and the decisions he chooses to make with them.<\/p>\n

This is what Ms Small means when she\u2019s talking about respect \u2013 that attitude of the coach that enables the client to discover both his own power and his own responsibility for his decisions.<\/p>\n

When as coaches, we offer solutions or leading questions that communicate that we know the right answer, we are not respecting them. We are telling them that they aren\u2019t smart enough to handle their own lives.<\/p>\n

Concreteness<\/h3>\n

This is the art of keeping communication specific \u2013 not going off on tangents or getting into generalisations or abstract discussions. Clients can demonstrate these behaviours (and others including elaborate story telling) when they wish to avoid exploring something that is painful or difficult for them.<\/p>\n

It is our job as coaches to pay attention to these avoidance behaviours and gently bring them back to concrete reality.<\/p>\n

For example<\/p>\n\n\n\n\n
Client<\/td>\n About the meeting that went badly; I felt betrayed\u2026\u2026.well you know how all development and testing teams always have disagreements with each other.\n <\/td>\n<\/tr>\n
Coach<\/td>\nI\u2019m interested in hearing more about what you started to say about feeling let down\u2026could you tell me more?<\/td>\n<\/tr>\n<\/tbody>\n<\/table>\n

Or another<\/p>\n\n\n\n\n
Client<\/td>\n I should have stood up for myself in that meeting. But you know how Vivek has been contradicting me all the time. It\u2019s been that way since he joined \u2013 did you know that I was the one who got him that job? He was working in a dead end role and he reached out to me out of the blue and invited me for lunch. And when we met, he sounded so sad about his work that\u2026\n <\/td>\n<\/tr>\n
Coach<\/td>\n(interrupting) hey I\u2019m wondering what connection this has with how you\u2019re feeling about not standing up for yourself in that meeting?<\/td>\n<\/tr>\n<\/tbody>\n<\/table>\n

In both cases, the client unconsciously wants to avoid some unpleasant feeling \u2013 of disappointment in a key relationship; of self-blame and is escaping into generalities that are much easier and safer to talk about. The coach pulls her back to her experience of the moment by being concrete and that creates an opportunity for growth.<\/p>\n

It\u2019s important to remember that sometimes, even with invitation to be more concrete, the client persists in avoiding something and that need should be respected. Our role is to gently present the client with their here-and-now reality \u2013 the client can decide whether they want to confront that or continue to avoid it till the time is right.<\/p>\n

It also happens sometimes that coaches invite the generalisation by asking too many \u201chow do you define that\u201d questions. For example when a client says \u201cI feel I\u2019m not being challenged enough\u201d and the coach says \u201chow do you define challenge?\u201d, this can result in the discussion staying at a safe, cognitive level. Questions like these could invite more concreteness and hence more movement:<\/p>\n