\u201cWhy don\u2019t I feel safe?\u201d<\/em> <\/p>\n \u201cWhy am I in one-down or one-up position but seldom feel equal with others?\u201d<\/em> <\/p>\n \u201cHow come I feel I am alone, despite having doting parents and a caring family?\u201d<\/em> <\/p>\n The answers came in layers through different TA concepts. I found pertinent answers in the idea of Injunctions. Injunctions are \u201cprohibition or negative command from a parent\u201d (Hay, 2013, p.1). \u201cThey are often the non-verbal messages that the Child selects from the behaviour of the Parents\u201d and given from the Child Ego State of the Parent and taken in by the Child Ego State of the Child (myself) (Cornell, 2016, p.126). Claude Steiner (1974) showed this as arrows in the Script Matrix Diagram (Steiner, 2007a) as below. <\/p>\n There are two central decisions to each injunctive message: a despairing decision (the first response) and a defiant decision, a coping mechanism (McNeel, 2010). My despairing decision was that nobody really cared and I was all alone<\/u><\/em>. At the very core, a fear of loneliness and that I may be left with nothing was very scary. I used control as a way to hold to on to something to protect myself. It shows up from small to big matters. E.g., I get annoyed if the glasses in my kitchen are left scattered so I demand orderliness at home. I feel anxious investing in stocks because I can\u2019t control the returns. <\/p>\n The idea of Injunctions as \u201cmessages from Child Ego State of Parents, given out of the parents\u2019 own pains, unhappiness, anxiety, disappointment, anger, frustration, secret desires\u201d (Goulding & Goulding, 1976, p.42) helped me understand where these challenges may have come from and what I can do about them now. <\/p>\n Early Influences –<\/strong> How did I develop these Injunctions? Don\u2019t be Important <\/strong> Don\u2019t be a Child <\/strong> Working though Injunctions <\/strong> Table A: Self- Diagnostics of My Instructions How did I deal with my Injunctions?<\/strong> How did I implement these Re-decisions?<\/strong> I re-decided to \u2018Be Important\u2019<\/strong>: At the very core, this Injunction was about taking responsibility<\/strong> for my needs and setting respectful boundaries<\/strong> with others. E.g., I set boundaries with family that I\u2019m not available for them during TA training hours. I became open to building mutual commitment in Parenting<\/strong> with my partner, a leapfrog shift from my earlier self where I engaged in blame or control. I can now express my needs well and take responsibility<\/strong> for taking care of them. <\/p>\n I re-decided to \u2018Be Myself\u2019<\/strong>: The injunction of Don\u2019t be a Child was a brave way of an 8-year-old to stand up for the mother. After TA, I asked \u2018how is this belief helping me in the here and now?<\/u> I discovered that I did not enjoy being in control all the time. I treaded the path of control because I didn\u2019t know any better then<\/u>. But now when I am in my Adult, I can find other resources to feel safe<\/u> (self-compassion, be in touch with my body to know my real feeling, gratitude, respect for self & the other). I experimented to let go of control and be open. I kept my calm when the kitchen was in a mess and reframed it as \u2018I can get help for cleaning and enjoy this time with my son\u2019. I developed curiosity<\/u> and learnt about stock market investing. Using the ethical framework, I trusted my partner to be a responsible parent and let go of my control over his parenting style. <\/p>\n In letting go of control, I\u2019m finding new ways to protect myself. I feel empowered to take responsibility for my happiness. <\/p>\n![\"\"](\"http:\/\/projects.rapidmind.in\/navgati\/wp-content\/uploads\/2023\/04\/tbe.png\")
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\nWe are a family of four. I am the elder child and I have a sibling. My mother was only 15 years old when I was born and I can only imagine her emotional unreadiness<\/em> for the life ahead of her. The struggle and lack of support is an integral part of her story. She is a dominant figure in my life and my Injunctions Don\u2019t Feel, Don\u2019t be Important & Don\u2019t be a Child<\/strong> arise from watching my mother struggle, receiving messages from her about life<\/u> .
\nI decided early on that \u2013<\/p>\n\n
\nDon\u2019t Feel <\/strong>
\nI saw my parents arguing, blaming each other often. Anger was commonly expressed at home but I seldom saw them crying or consoling each other. My mother disapproved when I cried, because \u2018crying was for the weak\u2019 and modelled anger. Feeling angry was seen as strong and in-control (one-up). Feeling sad meant being weak (one-down), never to be shown outside. I was consistently stroked for displaying courage and shamed for crying. The Child in me picked up \u2018Don\u2019t feel what you feel, feel what I feel<\/strong>\u2019 Injunction. I find it hard to be sad or vulnerable in front of others even today. It took years for my partner to learn that I can be sad, with no tears. I could have avoided those painful lonely moments; had I learnt how to feel and express.<\/p>\n
\nWhen I saw my parents busy with their own life and not spending time with me, I felt alone. We were bootstrapped for money and felt \u2018one-down\u2019 in our social setting. I watched my parents struggle to make ends meet and sacrifice their own basic needs. So, I felt guilty asking for anything with them. The Child in me decided \u2018I will be OK if stop asking or needing anything or anyone\u2019. I\u2019ll relegate my needs and even stop expecting anything from anyone. I set myself up for struggles. The Child belief was \u2018I can\u2019t get what I want, so stop desiring\u2019. As an Adult, I had issues spending for self and curtailed my basic needs to avoid spending. I took responsibility early on, felt uncomfortable resting and believed life is a struggle. <\/p>\n
\nWhile growing up, I saw my mother struggle for dignity, moral support and money. She never rested nor enjoyed life. I was stroked for being responsible and for being strong. I pride myself for being responsible all my life. As young adult, I took charge of the family and pulled in all the resources to keep us afloat, when my father fell critically ill. My life motto was \u2018I am responsible, therefore I am\u2019.
\nMy parents were in the \u2018survival mode\u2019 all their active life and so having fun was seen as a waste of time. I did not see them having fun or being playful. The Child believed \u2018I\u2019m OK only if I\u2019m busy and productive\u2019. It shows up till date where I am always busy doing something and seldom relaxing. I\u2019m never mentally off from work and even in my abroad work trips, I feel uneasy going out for fun. I had a sense of seriousness to school, college and work; and believed that life is to be conquered.<\/p>\n
\nI applied McNeel\u2019s Re-Decision model to work though my Injunctions. I realised that I am capable of making a different decision at any time in my life, against the grain of my early limiting decisions (Cornell, 2016). I asked \u2018What are my core fears? How do I protect myself now?\u2019 Table A below shows my intrapsychic process and my responses to these questions.<\/p>\n
\n![\"\"](\"http:\/\/projects.rapidmind.in\/navgati\/wp-content\/uploads\/2023\/04\/tbe-1.png\")
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\nReflections in Table A helped me see that my fears led me to think, behave and feel in a certain way; and that I can now make new choices. With my Adult awareness, I re-decided that-<\/p>\n\n
\nI re-decided to \u2018Feel\u2019 the feeling:<\/u><\/strong> Using Centering Technique, I learnt to get in touch with my feelings through body sensations. Anger showed up in short breaths, burning sensation in the eyes. I felt a lump in my throat when feeling sad. Stress showed up as hand pain and fear showed up in rapid heartbeats. I relied on body signals to recognize my true feelings.<\/u> I learnt to stay with the feeling <\/u>(not hide or run away); asked \u2018what is my core need here\u2019<\/u>. When I got angry with my friend for not responding to my calls; I stayed with my anger and asked what my core need was. I discovered that I need connection. My anger dissipated and I began to think of options for staying connected. In my Adult, I applied ethical framework<\/strong> and developed mutual respect <\/strong>for both my feelings as well as the space this friend needs from me. Similarly, when I felt irritable with the family, I discovered my need for self-care. Instead of blaming, I took charge, asked for help so I could enjoy a guilt free rest. <\/p>\n
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